Dirty Saga
by MegalomaniacUrashima
Summary: Excel and Hyatt meet the Dirty Pair! Yes, Kei and Yuri and a hoard of evil puuchuus wreck havoc on Fukuoku, Japan. New characters, new insanity and no continuity! I will post as many chapters as there are reviewers, so spread the word
1. Chapter one

Dirty Saga, a short burst of insanity  
  
The night was dark. RRk!  
  
"I, Nabeshin have shot the author of this fan fic for the horrid intro to the story!" Nabeshin laughed with a gun smoking in his right hand. It actually had a cigarette hanging out of the barrel.  
  
"The hell you doing Afro boy? How can the story go on without a writer?" a red head asked from across the room.  
  
"Uh., maybe he's not dead?" he kicked the still body without any luck reviving him.  
  
"Looks dead to me, Nabeshin you are under arrest!" a woman with long blue black hair pulled out some handcuffs.  
  
"Wha?" Nabeshin vanished in a puff of white smoke looking a lot like him seconds earlier, but with a tongue sticking out and an eyelid slightly lowered. His pants were also unzipped. A loud thump can be heard sounding much like the kind of thump you get when you run at light speed with your pants at your ankles.  
  
"Hey come back here!" the two girls shouted and chased after him.  
  
--  
  
Roll theme music!  
  
dododododo den!  
  
--  
  
"Hail Il-Palazzo-sa." Excel yelled uselessly. A door was opened most early beneath her feet.  
  
"Ah, Hyatt, glad you are feeling well," Il-Palazzo said with a smile which coincided with a splash from far below.  
  
"You have an assignment for only me this time?" Hyatt asked while trying to stay on her feet.  
  
"No, just thought I let Excel play with my shark. It has a gun that can shoot laser beams tied to its head," he smiled and quickly became serious as zapping can be heard from down the hole. "It has come to my attention that two agents have been sent to take out ACROSS, you must do everything in your power to stop them!" he stood up and stretched an arm out to further show his point. Hyatt clapped happily and fell over backwards.  
  
"Yaaaaay, Lord Il-Palazzo-samaaaa!!!" Excel claps as she reappears back on solid ground. Her outfit is in tatters. She is also missing an arm. A puchu has provided a stereo with speakers to explain the noise of clapping and promptly gets squished underfoot.  
  
"Did you like the shark, Excel-kun?" he asked.  
  
"Yes, but it seems that I am missing a boot! I would kindly request you send me back down there to retrieve it, oh sexy Lord Il-Palazzo-sa..," yet again a splash can be heard and lasers sounded off a moment later.  
  
"Hyatt.,"  
  
"Yes?" Hyatt struggled to get back on her feet.  
  
"Very well then, here are the two ladies sent against us," Il-Palazzo watched a view screen fall from the ceiling and stop before them. The picture is of a red head and a woman with long blue hair. "They are the Lovely Angels better known as the Dirty Pair,"  
  
"Dirty Pair? Oh so I'm not the only one who cleans bathrooms?" Excel appeared again now missing two arms. Only the great will could know how she got out of the hole. She has both boots on this time though.  
  
"No, Excel-kun,"  
  
"No? Oh, They are female wrestlers!"  
  
"No, Excel-kun," Il-Palazzo has sat back down on his throne and was looking rather impatient.  
  
"No? Oh I know they are two special agents from the Worlds Welfare Work Association better known as the 3WA. The red head is the tom-boy Kei Misaki, she's a sagitarious who loves beer and cheesecake. The other is the girlish Yuri Hino and a pisces! No wait that's not it," Excel would scratch her head, but only now realized she has no arms.  
  
"Dissmissed," Il-Palazzo grabbed a remote control and two giant robotic arms picked up the two secret agents of Across and threw them outside. Excel got a nice oversized boot to kick her out.  
  
--  
  
"Come back here!" Kei shouted, her gun fired off rounds of charged energy bolts. Nabeshin dodged them effortlessly but still ran for his life down the streets of F city.  
  
Yuri was close behind Kei, "Why'd you go and have to kill the author of this fan fic! He was cute!"  
  
--  
  
"So, Ha-chan! What's the mission again?" Excel walked down the street with her arms and uniform repaired most curiously.  
  
"Two ladies have been sent to destroy Across, we must.," Hyatt falls over limply upon the ground.  
  
"Yes, for Lord Il-Palazzo-sama I must kill those two wanna be agents! They bow down before me, kiss my shoes, then I'll ah damnit I can't think of any more stupid things to blurt out, Ha-Chan, you ok?"  
  
Hyatt is still limp upon the ground.  
  
"Good, dead as usual, the universe is at peace!" Excel crosses her arms confidently just as a speeding afro man runs down the street stirring up all sorts of debris. Excel promptly spins around in shock. Moments later a speeding car appeared and zips past Excel once again now drilling her into the ground.  
  
"How the hell can he run that fast!?" Kei shouted.  
  
"You can dissect him later, let's get him!" Yuri shouted back. A bunch of cars rammed into each other as they entered traffic.  
  
"Huh?" Excel looks confused and jumped out of the hole she made.  
  
"That was them," Hyatt muttered.  
  
"Yes! Of course it was, Silver come! Oh yeah, there's no horse in this fan fic, come to think of it, there's no writer either,"  
  
"Oh, how would you know that?" Hyatt is now sitting upon the ground looking a bit better. She whiped blood from the side of her mouth with a magically appearing hankerchief.  
  
"I have no idea what I'm going to say next!"  
  
"Isn't that always the case?"  
  
"No time for that now, Ha-chan! Let's go get them!" Excel grabbed her partner and ran into the street just as a speeding bus rams into her. "Oh yeah! Much better than hailing a taxi!"  
  
--  
  
"Damnit! Hold still!" Kei has stood up in the car with a rocket launcher now. She fired off some shots destroying a couple buildings and dozens of cars in the process. Nabeshin continues to run at Sonic Hedgehog speeds.  
  
"Try not to kill anyone Kei!" Yuri shouted sounding more angry than usual. She was driving the best she could.  
  
"Hey, tell that to the afro creep!" Kei fired off another shot just missing the speeding afro.  
  
"We're almost there!" Excel is now seated inside the bus with Hyatt leaning against the window.  
  
A man who has been talking with the bus driver now stood up to talk to the people on the bus. "Please don't panic, there's a . ,"  
  
"What, bomb on the bus? Lemme guess some creepy balding super villain jury- rigged a bomb underneath the bus and is watching everyone through the security camera annnnd if we go under 50 we all die!" Excel was now in a mood for trivia pursuit.  
  
"Uh.. no.. we are going 46 miles an hour now,"  
  
"Oh, ok that means the bomb will explode soon?"  
  
"Fraid so,"  
  
"Great!" Excel smiled and sweat dropped.  
  
Nabeshin rounded a corner and zoomed down another street. The two angels slid sideways and blasted down after them. The bus sped across that street and exploded in a fiery inferno.  
  
"The hell?" Kei looked behind her.  
  
"What?" Yuri asked.  
  
"I didn't do that one!" Kei searched for more cartridges.  
  
At once two thumps can be heard in the back seat of the Angel's speeding car. One very dead Martian princess and one very unconscious mangled blonde girl. That one quickly woke up. "Hail Il-palazzo-sama!! I have survived the cheesy b rated action flick! Now I'm once again in the b rated anime! Oh wait this is a fan fic, nevermind!"  
  
Kei turned to Yuri who passed an agreeing glance back and continued driving. "Who the hell are you?"  
  
"I am Excel Excel of the ideal organization Across, no wait no I'm not you did not hear that. You are the lovely Angels, no wait dirty pair, no wait lovely angels, no wait um um, I am not here, I'm in your imagination! Do be do be do I'm a penguin!"  
  
"Across eh?" Kei grabs a cartridge and locks it in place. "Hey, Yuri, mind if I shoot her?"  
  
"No, just shut her up!"  
  
"Alright," Kei shoved the bazooka into Excel's face and pulls the trigger promptly annihilating her and the back of the car. Hyatt lays there unfazed by the explosion next to her.  
  
"Wow, I havn't died in a while, almost forgot what it was like!"  
  
"No kidding." the author muttered upon floating by her.  
  
"Hey who are you?" Excel scratches her head.  
  
"I'm the author of this fan fic!"  
  
"Who?"  
  
"Richard!"  
  
"Who?"  
  
"Dah, I go by Urashima online!"  
  
"Who?"  
  
"Dammit!"  
  
"Who?"  
  
Stay tuned for part 2 - the author's revenge 


	2. Chapter 2

Now for part 2  
  
"Hello, I am Urashima, the author of this fan fic. I have now gotten my hands on a new script. Nabeshin will not be in this fan fic. In fact he is gagged and tied up in a closet as I speak!" I say as thumping can be heard in a closet next to me. I open it and a horde of puchus fall upon the ground. Nabeshin is nowhere to be found.  
  
"Great, I have given the Lovely Angels a new job! I have also given the Lovely Across girls a new job!"  
  
"Puchu!?"  
  
"No, puchu,"  
  
"Puchu!?"  
  
"No, puchu!"  
  
"Puchu!?"  
  
"No puchu!!"  
  
"Puchu!?"  
  
"NO PUCHU!!!!"  
  
"Puchu!?"  
  
--  
  
Roll theme music!  
  
Dobedobedobedobedoooo  
  
Puchu?  
  
--  
  
"Hail Il-Palazzo-sama!" A red head in a rather unusual outfit sporting large teal shoulder pads and other odd features saluted her leader.  
  
"Where is Excel-kun?" Il-Palazzo looked around the room upon seeing a red head in her outfit.  
  
"Excel?" Kei asked.  
  
"Nevermind, where is Hyatt?"  
  
Yuri promptly fell over from blood loss.  
  
"I see, that is most unfortunate. I have um.. forgotten my lines, one moment," He grabbed his cell phone and pushed a couple buttons. "Ah, hello, I see, ok, no I am not free for dinner, no I will not go on a date with you, gay? I will not answer that question, thank you," he hung up the phone and turned to his apparent new employees.  
  
"Kei, Yuri, you will seek out this man named Nabeshin. He has a large afro and runs really fast. Use all weapons you have available!"  
  
"Yes almighty Il-Palazzo-sama!" Kei shouted. A trap door quickly opened up below her. She fell in at once, her face of a person who looks likes a tom boy turned insane spoof girl who was just dropped into a large hole with water and nasty critters at the bottom for no real reason what so ever. Splash!  
  
Yuri stood up again, still wobbling, "Why did you do that, Lord Il- Palazzo?" she asked weakly.  
  
"Just not the same.," he twiddled his thumbs with a shy look on his face and quickly returned to normal. "Go at once, kill the afro man!"  
  
"Who me?" Nabeshin ran across the room from one door to another. Il-Palazzo grabbed a rocket launcher and fired a shot at him, the wall exploded. Nabeshin was in the rubble twitching.  
  
Kei having ripped the alligators apart and is covered in only their blood has gotten out of the hole. "Uh.," she was speechless.  
  
"Lord Il-Palazzo sama?"  
  
"Yes, Hyatt, I mean Yuri?" he replied.  
  
She walked over and bent down to the still twitching afro man.  
  
Kei walked over and kicked him. He spat up a bit of blood. "Uh., why did you do that boss?"  
  
"Do what?"  
  
"You shot him with a rocket launcher! He's twitching!" Kei now returned to her normal self.  
  
"I did? How about that, I got him too," he crossed his arms with a smile on his face.  
  
"Yeah, what do we do for the rest of the fan fic?" Kei asked.  
  
"Good question,"  
  
A horde of puchus ran in and grab his body, they take him outside where an awaiting author is grinning.  
  
"Ah, my puchus, you have served me well! The great Nabeshin is defeated!"  
  
"Puchu!"  
  
"No, puchu,"  
  
"Puchu!?"  
  
"NO FRICKEN PUCHU!!"  
  
---  
  
Now this fan fic was far more difficult to write than the last one, there were a great many out takes.  
  
--Scene 1, take one - the beginning--  
  
"Hail Lord Il-Palazzo-sama!!" Kei shouted with an arm up in a salute.  
  
"Ah, Excel-kun,"  
  
"I'm Kei,"  
  
"K what?"  
  
"Kei Misaki,"  
  
"I don't recall this being a tenchi cross over fan fic,"  
  
"Tenchi? Who's tenchi?"  
  
"He's an uh.. old friend of uh.. mine.,"  
  
"Friend? Hey that scene we did earlier with the cell phone, who did you talk to?"  
  
"The author,"  
  
"The author has the hots for you?" Kei fell over laughing.  
  
"I will not answer that,"  
  
"What was that about being gay? You have a thing for Tenchi?" Kei continued to laugh hysterically.  
  
A rope came down before a very peeved Il-Palazzo, he grabbed it and yanked on it. The doors opened up below the laughing Kei. She bounced and leapt out of the way.  
  
Il-Palazzo stood up now completely p'oed. A dozen yellow ropes came down from the ceiling. He yanked on them one at a time. Kei dodged them over and over gracefully furthering Il-Palazzo's anger.  
  
"Hey, no one said anything about me going down that hole!" Kei shouted. Somehow Yuri was standing in just the right place to not be affected by the multiple doors opening all over the floor. One would wonder how this is a floor at all with all of these doors opening up.  
  
"Alright, I have had enough!" Il-Palazzo shouted causing the room to quake. He got out a rocket launcher and started firing at Kei. Kei dodged them just as easily. The room started falling apart. This battle would have gone on forever if not for the fact that some of the burning debris caught Kei's hair on fire. She quickly got it put out, but was now very angry. She ran up to Il-Palazzo and ripped the rocket launcher out of his arms and pointed it back at him. He grabbed it and crushed it with his strength. His battle aura nearly threw Kei aside.  
  
She grabbed him by the collar. And was about to pummel him with her other fist.  
  
"No, don't hurt my sexy Il-Palazzo-sama!!" Excel ran in with two rocket launchers and fired a barrage of blasts at her.  
  
--  
  
"Hello, yes, thank you," Il-Palazzo floated about the cosmos and put the phone back in his pocket having just talked with the Great Will.  
  
"I'm dead? Damnit! I never even died before! This isn't fair!" Kei pouted. "I didn't even get to confess my love for um.,"  
  
"For who?"  
  
"Hey, I'll shut up about Tenchi if you keep your mouth shut!"  
  
"Fair enough,"  
  
--Scene 3 - take 1 - Nabeshin arrives--  
  
"Who me?" Nabeshin runs in through one door and slams into the wall on the far side.  
  
"Hello? Yes, thank you," Il-Palazzo hung up his trusty cell phone. "Nabe- chan, I'll have a second door there in an hour,"  
  
"Thnx." Nabeshin grumbled, he has a broken nose now.  
  
--Scene 3 - take 2 - Nabeshin again--  
  
"Who me?" Nabeshin ran across the room from one door to another. Il-Palazzo grabbed a rocket launcher and fired a shot at him, the wall exploded. Nabeshin was in the rubble twitching.  
  
Kei having ripped the alligators apart and is covered in only their blood has gotten out of the hole. "Uh.," she was speechless.  
  
"Lord Il-Palazzo sama?"  
  
"Yes, Hyatt, I mean Yuri," he replied.  
  
She walked over and bent down to the still twitching afro man.  
  
Kei walked over and kicked him. He spat up a bit of blood. "Uh., why did you do that boss?"  
  
"Do what?"  
  
"You shot him with a rocket launcher! He's twitching!" Kei now returned to her normal self.  
  
"I did? How about that, I got him too," he crossed his arms with a smile on his face.  
  
--  
  
That one was left in, the author has no idea why the almighty possibly gay supreme leader of Across took it upon himself to carry out the across girls' mission.  
  
--  
  
And now after the fan fic  
  
"Say, what does puchu mean?" I ask. The puchu climbs up and whispers into my ear. "eewww, that's what I thought, dang that's nasty,"  
  
"Puchuuuu!"  
  
Author's note - the excel girls' new job was to clean up after the mess within the Across throne room.  
  
Ps - I'm not gay, I just play one on the internet ^^, anything for a laugh, honestly. 


	3. 3rd chapter PUUUUCHUUUUU!

By popular demand (only the puuchus demanded it) a more competent chapter must be added regardless of continuity. Now for everyone's horror/enjoyment a plot line created by the puuchus as translated by the (actual) author  
  
Puuchu puuchuuu puchu puchu puchu puchu! *stamp*  
  
Roll theme music!  
  
p.p.p puchuuuu!  
  
Cut!  
  
Puchu? *bang* "you dirty sunuva-" *dies*  
  
--  
  
"Hail Il-Palazzo-sa-? You aren't my sexy Il-Palazzo-sama!! You shall die for your ingrateful-,"  
  
"You aren't Excel!" a man looking much like the author with a puchu in his lap shouted back.  
  
"I am Kobayashi Excel!" she answered.  
  
"That doesn't count you imposter, go cosplay at the convention!" the author ordered.  
  
"Fine," she moped and left the room.  
  
--  
  
Comercial  
  
p.p.p puchu!  
  
Cut!  
  
Puchu?  
  
You mean to tell me this was just so you could advertise your evil puchu products!?  
  
Puchu!  
  
No commercials!  
  
Puchu puchu Die! *shoots off a machine gun ending the commercial break* So, sorry about that, now for me to salvage this plot. Hmm, there's a plot?  
  
--  
  
At the 3WA headquarters located on Earth somewhere near F-city.  
  
"Kei, Yuri, I have a mission for you,"  
  
"Yes, Chief Il-Palazzo?" Kei asked with a smile. He was nice looking for a new chief.  
  
"I want you to take out Secret Agents Excel and Hyatt of the evil corporation Across,"  
  
"Heh? Weren't you the leader of that organization?" Yuri asked.  
  
"Nope," he replied back with a stern face.  
  
"I could have sworn I saw you before," Kei thought with a finger to her cheek.  
  
"I'm new, never saw you before," he replied quickly.  
  
"Your name is familiar as well," Yuri offered.  
  
"It's a common name," he replied quickly again as if expecting the questions.  
  
"So where do we find these two 'secret' agents?" Kei asked.  
  
"Somewhere in F-city, they should be hard to miss," he replied.  
  
"Alright, we better be paid well, we ain't assassins," Kei shrugged and grabbed a manila folder off the chief's desk. It had her name on it. She had thought it contained further orders and information.  
  
"Uh-" Il-Palazzo stuttered. "That's not for you,"  
  
"Huh?" Kei opened it and her face went beat red, she ripped it up as smoke started to shoot out of her ears. Her face was completely enraged. Yuri started to get frightened at the sight of her partner. She managed to catch a flailing piece of the papers that were inside and guessed at what they were. She drew out a gun and aimed it at the new chief.  
  
"The, uh, last chief, uh, Gooley was it? Uh, they were, uh his, he left, them, yeah that's it," he tried to sound as authoritative as normal.  
  
"We are not lesbians!" Kei shouted.  
  
"We're not?" Yuri asked quietly.  
  
"We're not!" Kei shoved Yuri aside and stormed out of the room.  
  
"Ok, fine!" Yuri chased after her partner.  
  
--  
  
Somewhere else in F-city, Excel was prancing around knocking people, poles, and cars over with her accidental punches and kicks. "Excel will conquer the city for my sexy Il-Palazzo-sama!" She was on her way to Across secret headquarters when a not so surprising body impeded her way. Excel promptly tripped and smashed her face into the concrete managing only to make her nose and cheeks dirty as opposed to breaking her nose and teeth.  
  
"Ah! Ha-chan! You died again!" Excel shouted and grabbed her apparently dead partner into her arms and up onto her shoulders. She then ran to the doors of the secret headquarters and entered with a mighty kick to the door.  
  
"Il-palazzo! Ha-chan died again! Can I get a new partner? This one's warranty must of expired years ago!" Excel shouted. She ran up to the throne having thrown Hyatt aside. She stopped with mouth wide open.  
  
Il-palazzo was missing.  
  
Immediately Excel searched everywhere as fast as she could until there were hundreds of Excels running around. She then grabbed at the yellow ropes sending her doubles down the holes to search for him. "Sexy man-meat Il- Palazzooooo where are youuuuuu!!!???"  
  
"Sempai?"  
  
"Yes, Ha-chan!"  
  
"Note, there's a note,"  
  
"A note! Of course, why didn't I think of that!?" she promptly hit herself in the head and her clones vanished. She grabbed the note that was on the throne and read it. "I quit, hire a new boss if you wish to live,"  
  
"Wha? Il-Palazzo quit?" Excel was dumbfounded. Giant question marks appeared above her head.  
  
"Ara-," Hyatt 'oh my'd' in Japanese.  
  
"What do we do!? What do we do!? What do we do!? What do we do!? What do we do!? What do we do!? What do we do!? What do we do!?" Excel ran around the room with arms and legs flailing looking much like Sana-chan on a gallon of caffeine.  
  
"Hire a new boss?" Hyatt offered, now trying to regain her composer.  
  
"Yes, hire a new boss! We must find someone who can be all the man Il- Palazzo could be! No! No one can be as good as my sexy man-meat!" Excel was torn. She promptly ripped in half.  
  
Excel 1 - "We need a new boss!" Excel 2 - "We need Il-Palazzo back!" Excel 3 - "What about me!?" Excel 1 - "We didn't make you!" Excel 3 - "I'm Kobayashi Excel!" Excel 2 - "Imposter!" Excel 3 - "I need a job!" Excel 1 - "One Excel is good enough! No more!" Excel 2 - "What about me!?" Excel 1 - "We can do the fusion dance later! Right now we need a new boss!" Excel 2 - "Fusion dance? I want my Il-Palazzo back!" Excel 1 - "Quit ya whining, you block head!" Excel 2 - "Hey I am you!" Excel 1 - "This isn't working, fuse!" *they fuse*  
  
Excel 3 - "I need a job!"  
  
"Clean up after Hyatt! She died again!" Excel shook her head real fast to fix the method of writing back to normal. Evil Excel and Angel Excel appear on her shoulders.  
  
"You must get a new boss! You don't need him!" evil Excel raised her pointy stick above her pointy ears to extenuate her point.  
  
"If you don't do as he said, you might die, Excel, get a new boss!" angel Excel offered.  
  
"Hey you two are agreeing! You aren't supposed to agree!" Excel shouted at both of them.  
  
"We did?" evil Excel thought for a minute.  
  
"Yes, we did!" angel Excel answered.  
  
"Crap!" evil Excel pulls out a chibi purple and black Gundam toy and jumps inside of it. Angel Excel does the same. Hers is white and blue. They start whacking each other with plastic missiles and plastic punches and kicks dealing little damage.  
  
"This is terrible! I want my Il-Palazzo back!" Excel whined and turned around to see the two fighting. "Why can't we all just. get along?" she shouted in full dramatic pose.  
  
"I'll place an ad in the newspaper, Sempai," Hyatt stood back up and walked out of the room.  
  
"Good!" Excel walked over and sat on Il-Palazzo's chair. "Oooh, Nice, maybe I can be the new leader of Across!"  
  
"Good!? I'm mopping up blood again; I'm always mopping up blood!" Kobayashi Excel moaned as if she has been mopping up blood too many times.  
  
Days, later.  
  
"Hail Il-palazzo-sama!" Excel saluted an empty chair and promptly ran over and sat in it.  
  
"You are uselessly hyper today, Excel-kun," she attempted Il-Palazzo's deep voice and ran back over.  
  
"Anything for you, Lord Il-Palazzo-sama! What is the mission today!? Excel will do anything for you! Anything at all, I'll do it for you my sexy Lord Il-Palazzo-sama!" she ran back over to the throne.  
  
"You are rambling again, Excel-kun," she ran back over again.  
  
"I'll do anything for you Il-Palazzo-sama, what is the mission!?" She ran back to the throne again.  
  
"Feed the alligators," a rope sunk into view and she pulled on it and ran back over to the floor.  
  
"Yes, Lord-Il-Palazzoooooo-saaaamaaaa," she fell down the hole and splashed at the bottom minutes later.  
  
"Sempai is taking this rather hard," Hyatt said aloud.  
  
The door opened and a man with blonde hair walked in. His suit was in tatters and he reeks of cheap booze. "I came for the audition," he said.  
  
"Sempai, we have a volunteer!" she called down the hole much to the man's confusion.  
  
Excel climbed up the hole and jumped out, soon the door closed itself. "Time delay trap hole!" she shouted with approval with her modification to the rope system. Ah volunteer! Welcome, I am Excel, this is Hyatt! We are the two members of the secret ideal organization Across! We need a new leader, will you be as good as Il-Palazzo-sama!?" She ran over and dragged him up to the throne and threw him onto it.  
  
"A throne?" the blonde man asked.  
  
"Yes, Excel will test you now!" Excel ran back down to the floor.  
  
"Uh, ok, my name is Montgomery Gooley, I used to be called Chief Gooley or Director Gooley," he sounded a bit hung over.  
  
"Gooley-sama! I will call you Il-palazzo as a matter of habit, if you can be him then you are hired!"  
  
"Who is this Il-Palazzo!?"  
  
"He quit earlier," Hyatt answered.  
  
"Il-Palazzo-sama, what is the mission today for I, Excel, your lowly servant will do anything for you, I will crush the opposition, I will rape, maim and well maybe not rape, actually I don't feel like pillaging any cities right now, hey you want to go out to dinner with me, no you wouldn't want that, you have a job to do,"  
  
"Uh," Gooley was speechless. "Hyatt uh Hyatt-kun, what do I do?"  
  
"Pull the rope,"  
  
"Oh, ok," he grabbed onto the yellow rope and a door opened up below Excel sending her to her apparently not good enough to be her doom.  
  
"I believe you won her over," Hyatt smiled weakly.  
  
"That's it?" Gooley asked.  
  
"Yes, Lord-Gooley-sama, the new leader of the Secret Ideal Organization Across! All hail Lord-Gooley-sama!"  
  
"Am I still drunk!?" Gooley asked rhetorically.  
  
"Yes, but this is for real, now Lord-Gooley-sama, what is the mission!?" Excel shouted with much enthusiasm.  
  
"Uh, I have the job?"  
  
"Yes, you do, you incompetent moron, now what is the mission!?" Excel started to get angry, but it was just acting.  
  
"Uh, what do we do here!?" Gooley asked, he was growing fond of the throne.  
  
"We at the Secret Ideal Organization Across pledge to do whatever you command!" Excel replied.  
  
"That doesn't tell me anything!" Gooley rubbed his face.  
  
"We are to take over the world one city at a time so to create an ideal planet free from the evils that plague it," Hyatt explained and promptly fell over backwards blood spraying from her mouth and nose.  
  
"Wha!? What's wrong with her!?" Gooley stood up.  
  
"Ah, ha-chan, she's dead again, don't worry, she'll be back in a few minutes,"  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"Nevermind, what is the mission!?" Excel asked again.  
  
"Uh," he sat back down, "Order me a pizza?"  
  
"Yes, great mission, Lord-Gooley-sama! We will order a pizza, we will order so many pizzas we put them out of business, then there will be no more pizzas eaten in Japan and the lowly people of f-city will have to go back to eating fish and rice and sake, then they will be even easier to take over!"  
  
"Uh, sempai!?"  
  
"Yes, Ha-chan!?"  
  
"They don't eat Sake,"  
  
"Yes they do! Make a popsicle!"  
  
"Sake popsicle?" Hyatt asked.  
  
Gooley was lost again, he decided to ignore them, they would probably figure it out on their own. He was just hungry, one pizza would do.  
  
"We will go at once Lord-Gooley-sama! We will order a million no a billion no a trillion, no a quadrillion no a quintillion, a hextillion, septillion, octillion? Hachan, what's next!?"  
  
"nontillion,"  
  
"Ah yes! We will order 5 thousand pizzas and a box of sake popsicles!" She rushes out of the door with Hyatt in tow.  
  
"Do I even get paid for this?" Gooley rubbed his head in frustration, "Now what do I do?"  
  
"Hello, Gooley-sama," Kobayashi Excel walked in with a bloody mop. "Ah, hello, miss-"  
  
"I'm Kobayashi Excel!"  
  
"Excel?"  
  
"Yes, I am the voice actress for Excel!"  
  
"This is a fan fic, we don't need a voice actress," Gooley replied.  
  
"Uh, damn!" she ran away out the door.  
  
"I wonder who took over my job," he looked around and found a video game entitled 'Dirty pair dating sim 2.0' "Hey, cool," he grabbed it and turned it on.  
  
--  
  
"Ha-chan, know where a pizza place is?" she asked.  
  
"Down the street on your left, sempai,"  
  
"Thank you, Ha-chan!" Excel ran down the street at blinding speeds heading for the pizza place.  
  
"Shouldn't you order by phone, sempai?"  
  
"Why would I want to do that!?"  
  
"You can disguise your voice and order pizza to a place we don't live at *cough cough*"  
  
"Brilliant idea, Ha-chan, glad I thought of it!" Excel took a right and ran to a phone booth, grabbed the phone book and looked up the place. "Ha-chan you lay there dead while I take over F-city for my Il-Pa uh, my not as sexy as Il-Palazzo replacement Lord Gooley-sama!"  
  
Minutes and many paper cuts later, "Ah, hullo, my name is uh, Celexay uh I have a party and I need 500,000 pizzas to be delivered to uh apartment f room f uh 4!"  
  
"Is this a prank call!? We can't make 500,000 pizzas!" the guy shouted through the phone.  
  
"Then you never will!" Excel hung up the phone and her eye twitched from realizing she quoted the inferior (in her opinion) to anime show 'Simpsons'.  
  
"Sempai?"  
  
"Yes, not so dead at the moment partner, Ha-chan!"  
  
"Order a reasonable amount for a party from each pizza place to a non existent place. If they can't find it, it's free,"  
  
"Yes, thank you Ha-chan, brilliant idea, hurry up and die again so I won't look like a big idiot!"  
  
Hyatt collapses in her own blood again.  
  
"Alright, back to work!"  
  
--  
  
Somewhere else in F-city, "So, Watanabe is it?" Kei smiled.  
  
"Yes! I mean, yes, my name is Watanabe, you are?"  
  
"I am Kei and you are kind of cute, would you buy me a drink?" she smiled coyly trying to win him over.  
  
Options: yes, no, hug, punch  
  
yes  
  
"Of course I will," Watanabe gets up and gets Kei a drink.  
  
"Ooh, fun game, so realistic for a portable!" Gooley commented aloud. No one was in the room to hear him. He happily smashed more buttons.  
  
"Here's your drink," Watanabe handed a glass of beer over to Kei and sat back down nervously.  
  
"Hey, Kei, stop flirting, we have a mission to do!" Yuri walked over.  
  
Options: Insist Kei to stay, date yuri, date both, run away  
  
???  
  
"What the heck kind of game is this? Come to think of it, why does this Lord-Il-Palazzo have a game like this laying around?" Gooley asked no one. The room was empty and boring.  
  
He decided to pull the ropes to see what they did. Nothing, many traps open up and close all around the place. Time delay trap hole. "Yaaa!!!" He fell down a hole that was placed under the throne. The throne somehow went back in place after he climbed out of the pit. "Job hazards," Gooley muttered.  
  
--  
  
"Ok, Ha-chan, I have ordered 20 pizzas from every pizza place in the region, they will all deliver pizzas to our neighbor's apartment!"  
  
"Yay, Sempai!" she tried to clap.  
  
--  
  
"Pizza? We didn't order any pizza," the guy who's not Watanabe or the fat guy (I forgot their names)  
  
"You idiot!" Nabeshin grabbed a shot gun and chased the author around followed by a horde of puchus trying to sell puchu clothes and toys and doujinshi.  
  
"Aaa!" the author ran.  
  
"Hey, someone ordered the pizzas. We have 20 of them here, now pay up!"  
  
"Uh, ok then we ordered it, just put it on Watanabe's tab, this is his apartment,"  
  
"Watanabe?"  
  
"Yeah, he's off on a date right now. He should be back later, want to wait around?" the thin guy, I forgot his name, asked.  
  
"Wait around? For crying out loud, the bill is 100 dollars on discount,"  
  
"Hey, we are in Japan!" tsuyoshi (ooh I think I got his name) holds a sign up.  
  
"Oh right, uh convert.12500 yen,"  
  
"Great, tab please,"  
  
"Tab!?"  
  
"Yes tab!"  
  
"Fine," he drops off the crate of pizzas and leaves. Soon two more pizza boys walk up and go through nearly the same routine. Then two more come up and likewise. Then two more, etc.  
  
"What the hell is going on!????" the guy for which I forgot his name complained now having his entire apartment flooded with pizza boxes. Tsuyoshi is in heaven and started eating them.  
  
--  
  
???  
  
"Hey Watanabe, want to come with us? We are searching for a couple of wanted criminals," Kei held out a couple of crude drawings of the two girls. One was overly hyper and angry while the other was looking rather dead.  
  
"I know her, and I know both of them, they were making out in front of me while I was trying to uh.get.uh.clean the room.," he was blushing having spoke too much.  
  
"Huh?" Kei looked his face over.  
  
"I used to date one of them, I was kicked out the window," he bumbled his fingers.  
  
"I repeat. The hell kind of game is this?" Gooley continued mashing fingers onto the game.  
  
Puchu!  
  
"What?" Gooley asked the little yellow rodent.  
  
"Come back here, you!" Nabeshin chased the author through the room and around in circles. Gooley grabbed two ropes and sent them both to the bottom of two pits.  
  
"Oookey, great, where do they live?" Kei asked  
  
"Next door to me, I'll take you there," Watanabe gets up and walks out of the restaurant with the two scantily clad trouble consultants close behind.  
  
Meanwhile back at the apartment, "We did it ha-chan, we are one more step towards taking over F-city and then we will take over the world!"  
  
"Yay, Sempai!"  
  
"Hey ladies, want to come over for some pizza, we've hundreds left over, we can't eat it all," the guy without a name asked through the door.  
  
"Yay, Pizza!"  
  
"That's clever, Excel, we can eat without paying," Hyatt tried to smile but fell limply upon Excel's back. "Yay, praise from the dead one, let's eat, no name boy!" Excel ran out of the door and into the next room with Hyatt dragged behind her.  
  
"Why the hell don't I have a name?" the guy with out a name complained to the non existent author. He is still being chased around the city by Nabeshin and his grenade launcher. The puchus are now trying to sell plushies, puchu hentai doujinshi, and anime they created.  
  
"Yay, pizza! I haven't eaten in months!" Excel leapt onto the pile of boxes and started eating through the card board and eventually the pizza.  
  
"Hehe, Watanabe should be home soon, about time he got dumped," the no name guy said. "Give me a name, damn it!"  
  
"Busy, eating," Tsuyoshi held up a sign.  
  
"No fair, he remembered your name!" the no name guy complained. "Author! Give me a name already!"  
  
Nabeshin chased the author past the apartment just long enough to allow the author to reply, "Shut up before this becomes a yaoi!"  
  
"Aaah!!! Noooooo!" the no name guy nearly fell over.  
  
"Come back here and die!" Nabeshin fired off some more shots from his rocket launcher without any luck.  
  
"What the hell?" Kei walked up to the apartment and watched as the two ran down the street, the pavement and a few cars exploded from the rocket launcher shots.  
  
"Nevermind, we have a mission," Yuri said and walked up the stairs behind Watanabe.  
  
Watanabe went completely pale, in his apartment were over 2000 pizza boxes, maybe more, many have teeth marks in them. "What the Free floating Fu,"  
  
Puchu!  
  
"Are you doing?" Watanabe finishes his extreme reaction to an extreme situation.  
  
"Eating pizza, want some?" no name replied.  
  
"I know you are eating pizza! Is it free?"  
  
"We put it on you tab!" no name replied again and ate another slice.  
  
"TAAAAB????" Watanabe feinted into Kei's arms.  
  
"This game is getting stupid," Gooley through it aside and stared off into the barren room. "Where's my pizza?"  
  
"Dang, you two screwed him over, hey you other two, you are under arrest!" Kei saw the dead girl and the little Tasmanian devil girl who has finished off her 50th pizza.  
  
"UUUURRRRP!!!!!" Excel belched.  
  
"Damn!" Tsuyoshi held up a sign.  
  
"Beat that tubby!"  
  
"UUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRRRRPPPP!!!!" he held up a sign.  
  
"Damn! Beat me!" Excel ate another slice as if her tiny frame could really hold more.  
  
"I said! You two are under arrest!" Kei shouted.  
  
"Want a slice, Kei?"  
  
"Yuri! Hey well, sure," Kei sat down on some boxes and grabbed a slice of pizza.  
  
"AAAAh!!!!!" the author ran around from the crazed afro man with the flame thrower.  
  
Puchu!  
  
--  
  
author's note, woo happy ending, even more so cause nothing went wrong, vote now if you would prefer another chapter showing what would happen if something did go wrong! You could also toss up ideas, I'll run with one or tow, or all of them, no more crossovers though, I'll do those later ^^ 


	4. Chapter 4, we need fans!

Dirty pair / excel saga chapter 4  
  
"Il-Palazzo-sama and Gooley-sama, welcome to my apartment!!"  
  
"Why are we here, Excel-kun?" Il-Palazzo asked.  
  
"Yeah, Excel, what's with the pizza boxes?" Gooley grabbed a cold slice of pizza from where he sat and stared at it. Why couldn't Excel invite him when the pizza was fresh?  
  
"Our comedy is not good enough! We must pull out all of the stops to win the fans over!" Excel shouted.  
  
"Yay, sempai!" Hyatt chirped.  
  
"Thank you, ha-chan!"  
  
"How do you propose we do that, Excel-kun?" Il-Palazzo crossed his arms and leaned back in the chair he declared was his upon his arrival.  
  
"Good question!" Excel scratched her head and thought.  
  
"We need more puchus!!" Nabeshin appeared and a horde of puchus flooded the room.  
  
"No PUCHUUS!!!" the author rewrote it and it continued.  
  
"awww," Nabeshin sulked and walked away.  
  
"We need more action!" Excel chimed again.  
  
Two ladies walked in with a couple arm loads of guns and ammunition. "Hello, Excel, Hyatt, Gooooleey, and Il-Palazzo-sama," Kei smiled. She had darted her eyes at Gooley when she said his name.  
  
"Yo," they all said. They were worn out from the previous fics.  
  
"Hey, Kei, let's do something new," Yuri offered.  
  
"What?"  
  
"A serious fan fic!"  
  
"Been done," Excel shrugged.  
  
"Do it anyway!" Il-Palazzo pulled a rope and sent her down the hole from within her own apartment.  
  
Puchuu *stamp*  
  
--  
  
The dungeon deep within Across headquarters smelled of rotting flesh and fresh tomatoes. Chained to the walls with arms above her head and feet spread out below her was a woman drenched in blood. Cuts and bruises from lashing had left her all but dead. She was still alive by sheer will power and divine devotion to her boss.  
  
"Il-Palazzo." she coughed blood and fell asleep from exhaustion.  
  
Above her rested the great throne room of Across. It was a dark room with few decorations. The organization thought it best to devote all funds to clothes and operations. A woman with dark hair and a funny red and black costume with a white frilly skirt raised her hand into the air. "Hail Il- Palazzo-sama!" she was proud that she could utter those gracious words. She had not uttered them so clearly and completely in a long time since being at the organization. The blood in her body was Martian in nature and left her very anemic. The room offered her no means of absorbing life force to keep her healthy. She knew she would collapse any second now but remained with a hint of a smile and eager anticipation for her bosses request of her.  
  
"I trust Excel was beaten properly?" Il-Palazzo asked from his throne. He had long blue hair and tiny reading glasses upon his nose. His robe made his body look a lot larger than he really was. He was a force to be reckoned with. His eyes have seen a great many battles and rock concerts which both have left him with the toughest job in the world. He didn't get many benefits or pay to boot.  
  
"Yes, Il-pa," Hyatt's eyes rolled back, blood ran down her nose and she collapsed upon the ground in a pile of flesh. She had died again.  
  
Life is too short to die so soon. Il-Pallazzo rubbed his forehead and adjusted his glasses. "Hyatt?" he asked.  
  
"Yes?" Hyatt tried to get up having regained life again. Was a funny thing to recover from death so easily, but it was nothing new to the Across organization. Immortals were hard to come by. It was worth getting what they could.  
  
"I have a mission for you and Excel, first I have to bring Excel up here. It's against my better judgment, but I have to do what my superiors request of me," he pulled a rope which lowered from the ceiling. He had trained in many martial arts since his youth and was highly regarded in the Across organization. He has developed a new kind of chi which allowed a form of telekinesis. He could call a rope down he needed with but a thought. The rope was attached to various devices in the ceiling which in turn activated various trap doors and other functions from with in the room. He had sold cookies door to door to fund such special features. He had also done a concert, but that did not go very well. He was proud of the room and the power he could throw around. He loved being a leader.  
  
Excel's chains were let go and she at once made her way to the main room from a trap door which was opened above her. Her wounds disappeared and a huge smile with a fang appeared on her face. "Hail Lord Il-Palazzo- samaaaa!"  
  
"I see you are feeling better, Excel-kun," Il-Palazzo tried to avoid showing his hatred for her. Hyatt was much more his type. Excel would never shut up and would always blow ideas out of proportion. No wonder the Across missions have failed time and time again.  
  
"Yes Il-Palazzo-sama, I have survived your gothic tribal ritual!" she continued to salute her boss. She absolutely adored him and craved to be in bed with him. She couldn't let him know, not on purpose anyways. She would do anything for him.  
  
"Gothic? Ahem, never mind, Excel-kun, Hyatt-kun, I have a mission for the two of you. I was informed that we are under investigation by Worlds Welfare and Works Association. They have sent in two of their top ranking recruits to see if our organization is a threat to the planet earth or not. I want you two to do charity work across F-city to show them otherwise, understand?"  
  
"Yes," Hyatt said uneasily. She was not feeling well and may have to be dragged out of the room. Sunshine would be great. Fresh air, animals, grass, she fell over again.  
  
"Ah, Ha-chan! You died again!" Excel also had the knack of pointing out the obvious. She would have to carry her out of the room once again it seems.  
  
"Do not try to take over the city, world or anything within it! Understand?" Il-Palazzo had stood up to throw some weight around. He could not afford having Across taken from him by the 3WA.  
  
"Yes, my sexy Lord Il-Palazzo-sama! Charity work, we'll have this city so clean it'll stand as the capital of the world fro the great Organization of across!!"  
  
"Very well then, dismissed," Il-Palazzo sat back down and crossed his arms. Excel was the one reason he hated his job, but in a few moments he would be out of his hair.  
  
"Let's go Ha-chan!" Excel grabbed her partner and ran out of the door for the many generic streets of the generic city known as f-city. "Where to first Ha-chan?" Excel was smiling strong as usual. No worries of the world could break her expression. Well there was only hunger. "Shut up, stomach! I'll tend to you later! I must clean the city! Come, Ha-chan!" she dragged the rather dead and dying martian princess behind her as she ran down the street.  
  
"Ah, I know! I'll clean this street here!" Excel looked around and found no garbage. The street was clean. "This is no good! I can't clean a street that has no garbage!"  
  
High above them on the roof of one of the building perched two more agents. One was wearing a puffed up wolf hair do while the other let her long black hair flow behind her. That one had binoculars and was watching Excel.  
  
"Kei," the one with black hair asked, "Do you suppose Across is really an organization trying to conquer the world one city at a time?"  
  
"Well that's what our boss said," Kei shrugged. She had been partners with Yuri ever since they met in highschool. Their personalities were vastly different to the point that they became good friends. They fought and bickered often over everything, but it was the best way they worked together. No mission was ever easy and every mission meant life or death for them. They saw the world as people see the news. The people were real, but the casualties did not affect them. Time had gone on since they started off as Trouble consultants and now every casualty hurts them. They remained as Tro-cons in hopes of redeeming their reputation and ending the evil that plagues the universe.  
  
"What the hell is she doing?" the long haired agent muttered. She was still watching the action down below.  
  
"Gimme, those, Yuri," Kei rudely grabbed them and looked down at the street far below. The agent they knew as Excel was tossing garbage all over the street and then cleaning the mess she made. "She's tossing garbage and then cleaning it, I don't get it," Kei handed the binoculars back only to have them just as rudely ripped away from her hand. She ignored the point Yuri made in so doing.  
  
"Should we report in?" Yuri asked.  
  
"Nah, let's get our street clothes together and walk the streets. Maybe we can find some guys," Kei walked for the stairwell a few yards across the roof of the building.  
  
"Yeah, sounds great!"  
  
--  
  
will excel get caught? Will kei get a man? Will anyone read this? Stay tuned for the next exciting chapter of 'we need more fans and this experiment better not fail this time' 


	5. yet another chapter, woo i wasn't killed...

Having not reread the last chapters before I wrote this, I write this.  
  
Chapt 5, the saga continues (make it stop!! Ah I'm choking!)  
  
Lights flicker above a diner table deep with the confines of F-city. The night sky dwindles. It gets darker by the moment. This goes unnoticed by the people eating and drinking. Some are laughing and talking inside the diner. A dark haired man with a nice white and jeans is seated at one such table. Seated across from him was a certain redhead.  
  
"Have I seen you before somewhere?" the man asked, trying to remember.  
  
"Do all the men use that catch line?" Kei scoffed and they both laughed a bit having ignored the matter of these stories being a reinterpretation of the prior plots.  
  
Outside the diner a garbage can is knocked over followed by another. A blonde woman ranting and raving about some man named Il-Palazzo-sama then cleans it up at once. A rather sickly looking women crawls behind her and gets stuck.  
  
"Hey, I know her!" the man stood up and looked out the window. "That's Hyatt!"  
  
"So it is. What is she to you?" Kei tried to ignore an artery upon her forehead.  
  
"Uh, an, old, girl friend, we're not seeing each other anymore, hehe," the man ran fingers through his hair most nervously.  
  
"Well, eh," a beeping can be heard. "Excuse me," she got up and left the room. She flicked her triangular earring and it spoke.  
  
"Come in Kei," Yuri said through the comlink.  
  
"I'm here, what is it?" Kei replied.  
  
"I'm under attack!" Yuri yelps. "Don't rush tho,"  
  
"What? For crying out loud, where are you?"  
  
"A few blocks west of your location," electric pulse blasts can be heard followed by deep voice groans and complaints.  
  
"I'll be right there, this guy is boring anyways," Kei runs out of the door and headed due west. She ran right by Excel and Hyatt who were cleaning up another street they messed up.  
  
"Gun shots!" Excel fell to the ground and rolled around.  
  
"Sempai?" Hyatt muttered in her quaint way.  
  
"Yes ha-chan?" Excel continued to roll around.  
  
"You aren't on fire," she said meekly.  
  
"Oh, wrong reaction! Thank you, Ha-chan!" Excel jumped up. "Let's go see what the commotion is!"  
  
"Yes, sempai," Hyatt got onto her feet and was grabbed by the arm. In a blinding fury Excel ran due west where the shots can be heard from.  
  
"What the f??" Kei lay on the ground with foot prints upon the back of her clothes. She pushed herself back up and onto her feet. She then walked over to a window and looked at her back in the reflection. "I was run over by a person?" she growled. "No one can run that fast!" she ran after the perpetrator.  
  
"Stay back!" Yuri fired some more shots from her 3WA issue electro blaster.  
  
"Puchuu!" said a Puchuu, "Damn you!" it said angrily upon its death.  
  
"Hey Yuri!" Kei ran over and grabbed her gun, "What are these things?"  
  
"Well they ain't pokemon!" Yuri shot a few more blasts. "They ain't so cute either,"  
  
"I can see that! Heh, I could care less about cute things anyways," Kei went back to back with her partner and fired some shots of her own. The Puchuus have them surrounded and their numbers were increasing.  
  
Excel hid in a bush and watched. A Puchuu put a gun to her back. "Heh?" Excel spun around and smashed it quickly.  
  
"That wasn't in the script!" it fell over in a puddle of purple blood.  
  
"That's what they all say!" Excel took the gun away from the Puchuu and started blasting away at the horde.  
  
"Hey, looks like we have backup!" Kei laughed. She watched as Excel ran over with the gun attached to her hand.  
  
"Hey you are the trouble consultants investigating us!" Excel blurted out having forgotten that they didn't know that Across knew that they were being investigated.  
  
"Huh? Great our cover's blown," Yuri muttered.  
  
"Big deal, they ain't the enemy! These eh," Kei thought.  
  
"Puchuu!" one Puchuu shouted in its cute squeaky voice.  
  
"Alien bears," Kei finished. A bunch of Puchuus fell over in a single overdone reaction to the remark.  
  
"How many are there?" Yuri was getting frustrated.  
  
"Don't know!" Excel shouted and blew a few more up messily.  
  
"They trying to take over the world?" Kei shouted for no great reason.  
  
"Take over the world? Hey that's not right we're trying to-" Excel blurted until Hyatt fell over on top of her.  
  
"Ah Ha-chan died again!" Excel pointed out.  
  
"What!? What do you mean again?" Yuri couldn't grasp the situation. Kei ignored this and continued to shoot. They would all be dead or worse if she didn't continue shooting these things.  
  
"What the hell is that??" Kei shouted loud enough for the whole block to hear. Above them a warship appeared. Its great hulking mass defied all laws of physics. It also created a shadow over the entire area.  
  
"So it has come at last," Mr. Kabapu spoke from his office window, "Send in the Public Rangers!"  
  
"Yes, sir!" secretary Momochi replied.  
  
--  
  
Nabeshin - you ended this too soon!  
  
Author - die!  
  
Bang  
  
Nabeshin - ug, hey what is this paint?  
  
Author - yep! Now die!  
  
Bang bang bang bang  
  
Nabeshin NOT THE HAAAAIR!!!  
  
01010101 To be Continued 010101010 


	6. What the heck is this? A forgotten chapt...

The forbidden chapter  
  
"Kei?" Yuri asked.  
  
"Yes, Yuri?" Kei replied.  
  
"Why are we here?"  
  
"No idea,"  
  
"Where are we?"  
  
"Looks like we got dumped out into space,"  
  
"I can still breathe though,"  
  
"Yes, I know,"  
  
"Fear not!" a lady's voice spoke from behind them.  
  
"What the hell?" Kei is shocked upon looking at the floating cosmos with two arms.  
  
"I was the one who hired you two," the great will said.  
  
"You hired us? You aren't even human!" Yuri replied.  
  
"I'm hurt, well guess what, you aren't alive," she tried not to laugh.  
  
"Hey, wait a minute; you killed us just to talk to us?" Yuri thought aloud.  
  
"Very perceptive, so sorry about that,"  
  
"What?" Kei tried with all her strength to swim over and punch the floating monstrosity   
  
out but with no luck.  
  
"Ah relax, Kei, I will bring you back as long as you accept the mission,"   
  
"What's the mission? You are the great will of the universe, what is there for you to not   
  
be able to do?"  
  
"I want you to kill the author of this fan fic!"  
  
"Say what? He already died!" Yuri crossed her arms.  
  
"He is far more formidable than ever before, I cannot do anything to stop him. He is still mortal and you two can take him out,"  
  
"Alright, Alright, we'll take it," Kei said with a nod. Yuri nodded as well having caught Kei's glance.  
  
"Good, scene change!"  
  
--  
  
Roll theme music!  
  
'say your prayers little one, don't forget my son, to include vrrrrt'  
  
puchu with sign - wrong cd  
  
puchu!?  
  
--  
  
"Yay I'm the writer, I'm in charge, no one can stop me!" the author was seated at a table at a nice restaurant in F city. It was called F-Donalds. Across from him was the heavily gagged and chained down Afro man. Even his afro was locked down with chains and a custom bald cap.   
  
"mmmrrrmrmrmrmrm!" Nabeshin mumbled in anger. A puchu jumped on the table and   
  
wrote down on a piece of paper so to translate.   
  
"What did he say, puchu?"  
  
"puchu!!"  
  
"Show me the paper you not cute critter!"  
  
"Puchuuuu!"  
  
"Ah for crying out loud," he grabs a bat and whacks the puchu one then steals the paper.  
  
"Damn you!" the puchu said and fell off the table.  
  
"He said, 'mmmrrrmrmrmrmrm!' damn it I'd kill him if he wasn't already dead, sick joke on me!"  
  
"Stay right there!" Kei yelled with a rocket launcher with a full cartridge in place. Yuri ran up to her with a little blaster.  
  
"Hey, the Dirty Pair!" he grabbed a note book and started writing in it.  
  
"Dirty pa…. what a lovely name!" Kei smiled and dropped her rocket launcher. Yuri's blaster became a flower much to her confusion.  
  
"What the hell happened?" Yuri asked.  
  
"I rewrote the script! Ah the beauties of being a writer!" the author laughed.  
  
"mmmrrrmrmrmrm!!" Nabeshin mumbled again.  
  
"Hey wait a minute, if you are writing this then did you write the parts of us coming here?" Yuri asked.  
  
"Yep,"  
  
"What about the parts with Nabeshin mumbling like that?"  
  
"Yep that too,"  
  
"So wait a minute,"  
  
"I'm tired of waiting," the author mocked.  
  
"Errr, sorry, then what is this story about?"  
  
"Good question, I could make it a hentai with myself and you two!" the author laughed and got hit by Kei, blasting him into another table. "Ow, damnit!"  
  
"So much for your writing," Kei muttered.  
  
"Hey I wrote that too! Always wanted to be hit by one of you!" he laughed again.  
  
"No wonder the great will wants him dead," Kei muttered to her partner just loud enough for her to hear.  
  
"But Kei, he wrote her part too,"  
  
"He's sick, and I'm getting a head ache,"  
  
All of a sudden a speeding blonde landed on the table Nabeshin was sitting at and it explodes. "Hello, I am Excel Excel of the secret organization…"  
  
"What's so damn secret about it!?"  
  
"Uh… damn it, ok I'm from the Semi-secret organization ACROSS!"  
  
"Yeah sure, whatever ya say, ya little runt!" Kei's eyebrow twitches.  
  
Yuri shrieks.  
  
"What is it? Ah damn!" Kei covers her eyes. Yuri has apparently lost her clothes.  
  
"Hey, I want boobs like those!" Excel shouts, "Oh, hello director of the anime!" she untied him quickly and ripped off his mouth tape.  
  
The author is laughing in the back ground and wrote some more in his notebook.  
  
"mmmrrrmrmrmrm!" he mumbles.  
  
"Oh, I get it!" she rips off his bald cap so his afro bounces back into place.  
  
"I have my power again! My afro can grab the rays of the sun and give me strength!"  
  
"Wha? It's night time afro man!" Excel scratched her head.  
  
"Wasn't a minute ago," Nabeshin half closed his eyes and looked over at the author.  
  
"haha!" the author laughed and then wrote some more.  
  
"Give me my clothes back you pervert!" Yuri shouted still trying to conceal her body. She feared what was to come.  
  
"Excel, you must come up with a way to end this story, it is the only way to stop this insanity!" Nabeshin whispered.  
  
"Oh, ok, be right back!" Excel ran away at ridiculous speeds, knocking all sorts of objects and people out of the way.  
  
"This story will never end! I don't have to bring her back!" the author laughed   
  
maniacally.  
  
"Damn," Nabeshin cursed.  
  
Kei stood there arms folded across her chest with a dry look on her face. Her hair kept changing shapes, colors and sizes until she was left bald. Her clothes kept changing forms as well until she was left with Goku's outfit. Yuri was given chi chi's clothes leaving her to wonder about what the heck the author was thinking.  
  
"Woo! Now to write the big pornographic ending!"  
  
"What no way!" the two girls are really p'oed now but can't move less the author has them do so. Nabeshin is watching wide eyed now. He laughed to himself. The girls look at him in disgust. He tried to act innocent.  
  
"Oh let's see, shall we change this scene to a bed room?" the author jotted down some ideas to play with.  
  
"SPLASH!"  
  
"what the fu…?" the author is now drenched in blood and his script is ruined. Hyatt was thrown by excel from some distance away in utter accidental defiance of the author's plot line.   
  
--  
  
Puchu's corner  
  
1st - "Puchu puchu puchuuuu!"  
  
translated – "So how come the author was all powerful yet unable to get what he   
  
wanted?"  
  
2nd – "Puchu puchu puchu puchu,"  
  
translated – "Rating system of Fanfiction.net?"  
  
1st - "Puchu puchu puchuu!"  
  
translated – "Fanfiction.net wrote the last part?"  
  
2nd – "Puchu puchu puchu,"  
  
translated – "No he did,"  
  
Author – "puchu puchu puchu puchu!"  
  
Puchus – "puchuuu!"  
  
Translation – "All your base are belong to me!"  
  
"noooo!"  
  
The author takes out a bat and kills them both then gets shot in the back by the dirty pair who are still wearing the dbz outfits.  
  
"I may be dead again but you never get those clothes off!" the author floats away and gets attacked by the great will. "AAAAAh!!!"  
  
"Damn," Kei muttered.  
  
"I think you look cute!" Yuri smiled.  
  
"Let's not go there, Yuri," Kei rubbed her face.  
  
"Go where?"  
  
"Errr… the ratings, Yuri,"  
  
"what about the ratings?"  
  
"Look Yuri, the ratings don't allow for that kind of thing,"  
  
"Hey there's always the R rating,"  
  
"What the hell you on about, is the writer still writing?"  
  
"I think so, even though he is dead,"  
  
"Yuri, he is trying to do something beyond those ratings,"  
  
"So?"  
  
"So eh, ah for crying out loud! Did you say I was cute because you want something of me here? I'll repeat, what are you on about?"  
  
"Il-palazzo said you had the hots for me,"  
  
"WHAAT!???"  
  
TBC 


	7. Chapter 7, story contniued and WHO THE H...

The great behemoth approached the city. Kei and Yuri watched in horror as its   
  
immensity became more and more apparent. They stopped firing on the rabid   
  
Puuchuus out of forgetfulness. Maybe it was priorities or maybe it was the fact   
  
that Excel was killing them all with a flamethrower, no telling where she got   
  
that from.   
  
  
  
The enormous ship finally stopped. A door opened and a mobile suit with a   
  
funny looking head flew from it and landed near by. The cockpit within the   
  
chest opened up and a man with long black hair got out of it. He soon made   
  
his way to the roof top where Hyatt laid dead amongst dead puuchus, Excel   
  
ran around with a flame thrower and both Kei and Yuri stood completely in   
  
love with the sight of the newcomer.   
  
  
  
"Hello, my name is Doubletree, please don't take it literally," he grinned with   
  
a sparkle from his teeth.   
  
  
  
"I'm Kei!"   
  
  
  
"I'm Yuri!" they spoke at the same time and then stared at each other for a   
  
second and looked back at the new guy.   
  
  
  
"AH, yes the 3WA's finest, I understand you were acquired to stop a dictator   
  
here," he grinned again and threw his hair over his shoulder. He was dressed   
  
in some sort of funky chain mail, flat panel armor and frills from neck to toe.   
  
  
  
"Yes, Mr. Doubletree," Kei smiled and got elbowed by Yuri.   
  
  
  
"Don't tell him our mission!" she blinked with her usual manner of strong   
  
mannerisms.   
  
  
  
"Oh, heh, sorry," Kei closed her eyes and laugh half heartedly with a hand on   
  
her head. She adjusted her hair band and checked the charge on her blaster.   
  
She then aimed it at Mr. Doubletree. "What is your business here?"   
  
  
  
"I've come to take back my younger sister, Hyatt, have you seen her?" he   
  
looked around.   
  
  
  
Excel caught wind of the conversation once she ran out of gas. She grabbed   
  
Hyatt and leapt off the building to the ground below. "Ha-chan! Wake up!   
  
Ressurect! Dinners ready!"   
  
  
  
"Wha? Oh, sempai, how long was I out?" Hyatt yawned.   
  
  
  
"Not long enough, listen, Ha-chan, your brother's here and he wants you to   
  
come home with him. I say he's an impostor! He wants the world for himself!   
  
That's not good, because Lord Il palazzo-sama wants the world!"   
  
  
  
Excel grabbed a hand puppet that by some drunken stupor looked like Il   
  
palazzo. She made it talk, "I, Il- Palazzo, will cleanse the world of its   
  
corruption! Worship me, praise me make love to me!"   
  
  
  
"He wouldn't say that, sempai. Sempai? What are you doing?"   
  
  
  
"Sock tastes bad, must use a better tasting marker next time. Or cleaner   
  
sock," she looked around curiously at the alley they were standing in.   
  
Everything was happening too fast. Ha-chan would not be taken away from   
  
her.   
  
  
  
"There they are!" Kei pointed down to the ground below.   
  
  
  
"Kyaa!" Excel ran away forgetting her head. She then ran back grabbed it and   
  
ran away again. She then ran back and grabbed Hyatt. Then she was gone at   
  
an amazing speed.   
  
  
  
"Get in my hard suit, ladies," Mr. Doubletree grinned again and sparkled. They   
  
then got in the puuchuu gundam and lifted off into the sky.   
  
  
  
"No fair, they have a giant robot!" Excel panicked.   
  
  
  
"IT'S NOT A ROBOT, IT'S A SUIT!" all of a sudden Doubletree's hair changed to   
  
a reddish color. His were eyes the color of eh red too. He gripped the controls   
  
and went into firing position.   
  
  
  
"Eh, Mr. Doubletree," Kei pointed to the screen corresponding to the cameras   
  
in the suit's head.   
  
  
  
"What!?" he looked up. As soon as he did the Suit rammed into a building   
  
head first and got stuck there. "Damnit!" he tried to unstuck himself without   
  
much luck.   
  
  
  
"Still think this guy is hot?" Kei asked Yuri.   
  
  
  
Yuri shrugged, "One date couldn't hurt."   
  
  
  
--   
  
  
  
"Lord Il Palazzo-sama!" Excel shouted with a hand in the air.   
  
  
  
"What? You finish doing nothing yet?" he asked.   
  
  
  
"No! Something had come up, put it on the view screen!"   
  
  
  
"We have a view screen?"   
  
  
  
"Here," the author handed him a remote and quickly vanished.   
  
  
  
"Who was that?" Il palazzo thought for a moment.   
  
  
  
"Put it on the screen!" Excel pointed.   
  
  
  
Screen appeared showing a hoard of puuchuus talking over the city and a   
  
giant mech walking around searching for Hyatt.   
  
  
  
"What does it want?" Il palazzo asked meekly.   
  
  
  
"It wants to uh, to uh," Excel fumbled around and watched as Hyatt fell over   
  
on the ground. A pool of blood soon formed. "Ah, Ha-chan's dead again!" she   
  
announced and realized that no one was surprised by it but her. She then   
  
laughed to herself.   
  
  
  
"It wants to take over the city! I must have that, get me that giant robot!" Il   
  
Palazzo stood up and spread his arms out wide in dramatic fashion.   
  
  
  
On the screen – "IT'S A SUIT NOT A ROBOT!!!"   
  
  
  
Both sweat dropped. A moment of silence ensued.   
  
  
  
"Yes! Lord Il-palazzo-sama! I Excel Excel of the secret ideal realization   
  
organization will,"   
  
  
  
"Go!" he pulled a rope and a giant boot knocked her out the far side door.   
  
Hyatt got up and trudged off after her. "I should really hire new members," he   
  
sighed. 


End file.
